Body Issues
by cautiousAlbatross
Summary: John somehow ends up in Roxy's body, and that... Well, that's when things get complicated.


As soon as you wake up, you know something is wrong. What exactly it is that's wrong eludes you for the moment. Reluctantly, you crack your eyelids open and push yourself up onto your elbows, peering around the dimly lit room. Even in the limited light, you can tell it isn't your room. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you sit all the way up, then swing your legs out of the bed and stumble across to the wall. It takes you a few tries to find the light switch. Finally, light floods the room and you get a chance to look around properly. From the amount of pink alone, you'd guess this was a girl's room. A girl who likes cats... and wizards... and video games. Well, you only know one girl like that. But what are you doing in Roxy Lalonde's bedroom?

Still not properly awake, you stumble over to her laptop and boot it up. As you do, you catch sight of your hands. Now, you don't exactly spend much time examining them, but you're fairly certain these aren't your hands. Looking down at your body, you realise that isn't yours, either. Last time you checked, you didn't have breasts. Or perfect eyesight. That's when you start to realise your problem is a little bigger than you thought.

You're distracted by the laptop, which is now up and running – luckily for you Roxy decided not to set a password – and flashing with a pesterchum notification. You open the window and see it's you – well, someone on your account, anyway. Probably – hopefully – Roxy.

- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 8:07 -

EB: john

EB: joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohn

EB: pls be tehre

EB: pls be jhon

EB: *john lol

TG: hi

TG: its john

EB: thank god

EB: john we ahve a problem

EB: which you MIGHT have MABYE noticed

TG: you mean how im you and youre me?

TG: yeah i noticed

EB: well thats not EXACTLY whats goin on but okay lets roll w that

TG: do you know what happened?

TG: and how to make it unhappen?

EB: no i dont knwo what happeend

EB: all i know is i woke up and suddenly i was a dork who cnat even see prorpely

EB: i mean JEEZ ur eyesight is bad

TG: i know

TG: thats why i have glasses

TG: theyre very helpful

EB: ok but did u have to get suhc nerdy glasses

TG: theyre just my glasses roxy what do you expect me to do? buy new ones especially for you?

TG: no you arent allowed to buy me new glasses

EB: aw man

TG: no

EB: fine then waht do we do about htis mess

TG: well we dont know how this happened

TG: so i suppose finding that out would be a good first step

EB: right that was a massiev help thanks

TG: shut up im doing my best

EB: ok well seeing as we know approximaely fuck all about wahts goin on

EB: we mihgt as well just spend the next few housr tryin not to fuck each otehrs lives up

EB: until we know slihglty more than jack shit about this whole sitch

TG: that sounds like a plan!

EB: yeah a godawufl and shitty plan

TG: it was your plan :P

EB: yeah my godawful and shitty plan

TG: well i dont have anything better

TG: you dont have anything better

TG: so i guess we have to stick with your "godawful and shitty" plan

EB: yeah i know

EB: so waht were ur plans for 2day

TG: um i think i was just going to hang out with dave

TG: hell probably be on pesterchum later

TG: try not to make too many typos!

EB: yeah yeha ill be extra careful 4 u

EB: no1 will ever guess its not u

EB: i am the mastress of pretendin to be john egbret just u see

TG: i think its mistress

TG: and you cant even spell my name!

EB: relax its gonna be totes cool

EB: anyway janeys comin over at like eleven

EB: something liek that anywya

EB: just put soem cltoehs on and try to act like me

TG: should i get drunk then? :P

EB: hey i havnet been doin the drinkin in like

EB: HELLA ages

TG: ok :)

EB: u go get dressed then

EB: try not 2 peek at anythign ;)

TG: roxy!

EB: laters ;) ;) ;)

- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 8:32 -

Sighing, you close the pesterchum window and glance around the room again. You notice what looks like her entire wardrobe strewn across the floor, and gather up most of the clothes, then dump them on the bed. You extract a skirt, a t-shirt, some leggings and a pair of socks, then try to find a bra and some panties without actually looking at them. You mostly fail on the not-looking front, but at least you manage to assemble an outfit. Glancing down at your current clothing – a ratty t-shirt and some pajama pants – you decide that a shower is definitely out of the question, and proceed with the difficult task of changing your clothes without actually looking at your body. You manage to exchange the pants for the panties, leggings and skirt successfully, staring at the ceiling as you do, but get a little stuck when it comes to the bra. You don't even know how to put on a bra normally, let alone without looking. Let's see... it goes a little like that... and then maybe twist it around... and then... aha! Success... sort of. Well, the bra is certainly on. It's also on top of the t-shirt. Sighing, you pull down the straps and tug the t-shirt out, then try to rearrange the bra without actually touching your – Roxy's – breasts.

It's 9:27 by the time you're actually fully dressed. You're also a little flustered, but you think you managed to mostly not look at anything. You've never seen a naked girl before, and you don't really want the first one you see to be Roxy – not that you have anything against her, but looking at her naked whilst you're inside her body would be more than a little weird. You feel yourself blush as you wonder what Roxy's up to in your body, and you really, really hope she decided against a shower as well. The more you think about it, the more you'd like to return to your own body ASAP.

Feeling hungry – and wanting to distract yourself from the thought of Roxy laughing at your naked body – you head down to the kitchen. You half-expected the cabinets to be stocked completely with liquor – but then again, Rose lives here too, and she's at least halfway responsible. You pause for a moment, wondering where Rose is, then thank your lucky stars as you remember she's staying with Kanaya for a week. You really don't feel like explaining the whole situation to her, and you don't think you could convince her you're actually Roxy.

You find milk and cornflakes and pour yourself a bowl, then sit down, glancing up at the clock. It's twenty to ten, so Jane shouldn't be here for over an hour – if Roxy's information is reliable. Fooling Jane won't be easy, and you hope Roxy hasn't mucked it up already back home. The trouble is, you really don't know each other well enough for you to pretend to be her convincingly. Maybe if you pretend you're ill, Jane won't come...

The doorbell rings, interrupting your thoughts, and you curse Roxy under your breath as you dump your half-empty bowl in the sink.

"Hey," you say, smiling a little nervously as you open the door, "I thought you weren't coming 'til eleven."

"I'm fairly sure we said ten," Jane says, rolling her eyes.

"Well, you're still early," you say, "It's, like, five to at the latest."

"It's ten," she says, holding out her wristwatch, which you peer at for longer than necessary.

"Okay, fine, you're right," you say, holding open the door, "Come in, then."

You let her walk past you and lead you up to Roxy's room, seeing as you have no idea what you're going to do with her.

"So," she says, throwing herself onto the bed and giving you a knowing smile.

"So what?" you ask, sitting in the chair.

She looks at you like you're an idiot, and you think you probably agree with her. You have no idea what she wants from you.

"Uh," you say, glancing around the room, after the pause stretches on for a moment too long, "So, do you wanna play a game? Or something?"

"No, silly," she says, rolling her eyes, "I don't even like your games."  
"Hey, back off," you say, pretending to yourself that she just insulted your movies, "My games are rad."

"Well, I still don't like them," she says, rolling onto her back and dramatically throwing one arm across her face.

"All right, fine," you say, sighing, "What do you want to do, then?"

"Let's talk," she says, rolling back onto her stomach and resting her chin in her hands.

"About...?"

"Boys," she says, grinning, and you have to force yourself not to roll your eyes.

"Oh, right," you say, trying to think of all the boys you know and wondering which, if any, of them Roxy might have a crush on, "Which ones?"

"Well, that depends."

"On?"

She sighs before saying "On who you like."

"Oh, yeah," you say, hoping she thinks you're just being deliberately obtuse, "I mean, of course."

"It's Dirk, isn't it?"

So Roxy has a crush on Dave's brother? You would never have guessed, but you suppose now you can see it. Poor Roxy.

"Pity he's gay," you say, giving her your best mournful look.

"What?" she says, gasping.

"You didn't know?"

You thought everyone knew by now. Well, everyone except for Jake English, but that's another matter entirely.

"No! Oh my god!"

"Oh. Well, now you do."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I thought you knew!"

She sighs heavily, and you make a mental note to make sure you tell Roxy about this conversation. You really, really hope she already knows about Dirk. You don't want to be responsible for accidentally outing him to all of his friends – or for crushing Roxy's hopes.

"So, what about you?" you ask, quickly changing the subject.

"Still Jake," she says, sighing.

You think about telling her she's got competition there, but decide you've spilled enough secrets for today.

"Maybe you should, oh, I don't know, say something?" you say, wondering what sort of advice Roxy would give her.

"I can't!" she says, looking scandalised.

"Well, from what I've heard, someone else might get there before you," you say, winking.

"What? Who?" she asks, pushing herself up a little bit.

"I'm bound to secrecy, sorry," you say, shrugging.

"Oh," she says, collapsing and burying her face in her arms.

"Um... are you okay?" you ask, feeling like you've rather lost control of this situation.

She starts to shake her head, then nods instead, her face still hidden.

"Are you sure?"

She nods again. You think you've run out of things to say to her.

"Um. So. Uh. It'll be okay," you manage, although even you'll admit that was pretty poor, "Maybe you should just say something, anyway. You won't know what he thinks unless you try."

She mumbles something incomprehensible.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I said," she says, lifting her head, "What if he doesn't like me?"

"Move on, I guess," you say, shrugging, "I don't know."

She rolls her eyes, but shifts into a sitting position.

"So what about you?" she asks.

"I thought we already covered me."

"Not really," she says, grinning, "I mean, all we established is that Dirk's gay."

"Oh. Well, what else is there?"

"Do you like anyone else?" she asks, with that same grin, "Anyone who _isn't_ gay?"

"Um... like who?"

You suddenly seem to have forgotten the names of everyone you know.

"Hmm... well... what about Dirk's brother? Dave, right?"

"Dave?"

You've never thought about Dave like that. The prospect is... interesting. You're not sure that's something you want to explore right now, though.

"Eh," you say, shrugging.

"John, then," she says, giggling.

"Nope," you say, laughing and trying to remember exactly what Roxy said about you, "He's such a dork. And his glasses are so nerdy."

"Dirk's a dork, too," she points out.

"Dirk's a cool dork."

"He is not."

"Well, he thinks he is."

"That's not the same."

"True," you say, grinning.

"So not Dave and not John, then," she says, looking thoughtful.

"And not Jake, either," you add, smirking, "I think I'll just stick with the gay one."

"Your loss."

"Or yours."

"Maybe..." she says, looking a little wistful.

"Look, just talk to Jake, okay?" you say, standing up.

"What, now?"

"Why not? There's no time like the present, Janey."

She looks uncertain, but stands up anyway.

"Are you sure?" she asks.

"Yep. Definitely. What's the worst that could happen?" you say, shepherding her downstairs, "Don't answer that."

She looks a little scared as you usher her out of the door, but you think that with any luck, she'll go straight home and talk to Jake. And, after all, what is the worst that could happen? Nothing worse than never saying a word, surely?

You go back up to Roxy's room and check the time. Nearly 2pm. You wonder where the time went – sure you can't have spent four hours talking to Jane? Maybe there's something wrong with the clock... Something like that, anyway.

Sighing, you collapse onto the bed and wonder what Roxy's up to. She's probably with Dave. You wonder what they could be doing, and blush. Definitely not _that_. Jane's got you imagining all of these... Well, you don't really want to say what you're imagining, really. It's just not something you'd considered before. You think you're probably going to have to redefine your definition of your sexuality. You might not be a homosexual, but bisexual seems like a definite possibility.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a ringing phone. It takes you a moment to spot it – hidden in a pile of toy cats – and see it's your number calling.

"Hey, Roxy!" says your voice, and that's a surreal experience in itself.

"Hey," you say, flopping back onto the bed, "Is Dave there?"

"Of course."

Well, yeah. Otherwise she wouldn't be calling you Roxy.

"So what is it?" you ask, sighing.

"Is Jane there?"

"What? Oh, no. She went home," you say, examining your – Roxy's – nails, "Oh, wait, there's something I need to tell you. Well, a lot of things, really."

"Can it wait? This is important."

"Um, well, I guess," you say, thinking Roxy should probably cut her nails, and wondering whether she'd get mad at you for doing it, "Just make sure I tell you before you next see Jane, okay?"

"Okay. I've got something to tell you, too," she says, "Well, something else, I mean. Something other than the thing I'm about to tell you."

"So what's the thing you're about to tell me?"

"Well, you know the problem?" she asks, and you sit up straight, nodding, before you realise she can't see you.

"Yes?" you say.

"I've got a solution."

"Really? That's great! What is it?"

"I can't say right now."

Ah. Dave. Of course.

"All right," you say, grinning.

"Let's just say this whole thing will be solved by tomorrow."

"Brilliant!"

"Yep," she says, and you can practically hear her smiling, "Anyway, I've got to go."

"Be on pesterchum later!"

"I will."

She hangs up before you can say goodbye, and you just sit there grinning for a moment.

You spend the rest of the afternoon playing video games. You aren't very good any of them, but they're still pretty fun. You only stop when you hear the pesterchum notification noise.

- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 19:03 -

EB: jooooooooooooooohn

EB: hey joooooooooooooooooooooonh

EB: jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooohn

TG: rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooxy

EB: finally

TG: hey i hardly even kept you waiting at all

EB: yeah yaeh whatever

EB: the real piont is

EB: we both got thigns to say right

TG: well yes

EB: okay then

EB: u 1st

TG: alright

TG: well did you know dirk was gay

EB: omg no raelly?

EB: i totes did not knwo that

EB: leik not even a little bit

TG: so you do know then

EB: yes

TG: okay well so does jane now

EB: is that the thing u wanted 2 tell me

TG: pretty much

TG: also she might say something to jake

TG: about

TG: you know

EB: omg

EB: really

TG: yeah

EB: well good 4 her i guess

EB: so is that lal

EB: *all

TG: yeah i think so

TG: so what was your thing

EB: well

EB: promise u wont b mad ok

TG: um

EB: jsut promise

TG: ok fine i promise

EB: well i kinda fucked up

EB: just a bti

TG: tell me what you did already

EB: fine

EB: well lets just sya dave doesnt exactly think ur straihgt any more

EB: on the plus side he sure as hell aint either

TG: oh my god

TG: roxy

TG: WHAT DID YOU DO?

EB: ok firts off

EB: he started it

TG: JUST TELL ME!

EB: we may haev kissed

EB: just a little

TG: before the phone call?

TG: so what happened then?

EB: what

EB: oh no

EB: after the phoencall

EB: he left

EB: ur gonan have 2 sort that one out buddy

TG: oh well thanks for that

TG: so what was the thing you were talking about in the phone call?

EB: oh that

EB: well thsi sort of overshadwos that

TG: what was it?

EB: daves bi

TG: oh

TG: yeah i think i could have guessed that

EB: u see

TG: so anyway what about our problem?

EB: well theres a hwole lot of science shit or somethign

EB: but basically

EB: everythings gonna be fien by tomorrow

TG: and thats it?

EB: yeah pretty much

TG: are you going to explain how and why and what and well anything at all at any point?

EB: no not really

EB: look kid its v complicated and im not even 10)% sure i understand

EB: *100%

TG: okay fine

TG: so you promise well be back to normal tomorrow?

EB: cross my haert anf hope to die

TG: fine

EB: ttyl then

TG: bye

- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 19:37 -

Sighing, you shut down her laptop. Your stomach – Roxy's stomach, really – rumbles, and you realise you've hardly eaten all day. Roxy won't thank you for that, but to be fair, you've had bigger issues on your mind, like trying (and failing) to beat her high scores. Also, being in someone else's body. That can be a little distracting.

You throw together some dinner and eat it in Roxy's room, leaving the plate next to her laptop. You feel a little bad about that, but figure she can deal with one plate. After all, she's left you with the aftermath of a kiss to sort out. She can handle a dirty plate.

You don't think you can face trying to change into her pajamas again, so you just go to bed fully-clothed. You hadn't realised bras were so uncomfortable, but there's no way you're taking it off. Besides, when you wake up, you'll be back in your own body... You drift off surprisingly quickly.

When you wake up, you keep your eyes shut tight for a moment, desperately hoping Roxy was right. Slowly, you crack them open, and breathe a sigh of relief as you see that the room, although blurred, is definitely yours. Grinning, you grab your glasses, the Dave problem momentarily forgotten, and practically skip downstairs.

It's nearly midday before you're reminded of what Roxy did. You're just lying on the sofa, not doing much, when the doorbell rings. It takes you a moment to remember you're home alone, and therefore it's your duty to answer the door. Sighing heavily, you get up and walk over to the door, thinking this had better be important.

It's Dave.

"Hey," he says, and you think he might look a little nervous, although the shades make it hard to tell.

"Oh, hey," you say, "You wanna come in?"

You suppose this is as good a time as any to sort out the problem Roxy left you with.

"Uh. Sure. Okay."

Silently, he follows you through to the living room and sits down next to you.

"So," you say, contemplating just explaining the whole Roxy thing, even though there's a really high chance he wouldn't believe you.

"So," he says, tapping his fingers against his thigh, "Well, I wanna say one of two things."

"Huh?" you ask, furrowing your forehead.

"Well, dependin' on how you took... that thing yesterday," he explains, the rate of tapping increasing, "I'll tell you something."

"Oh. So what are the two things?"

"You want them both?"

"Sure, why not?"

"All right, fine," he says, sighing, "Break all the rules, why don't you?"

"Just shut up and tell me."

"That doesn-"

"I know, just tell me!" you interrupt, impatiently.

"Well, if you... weren't really down with that... I wanted to say I'm sorry. Otherwise, I guess, you wanna do it again?"

You can't help but laugh.

"I'll take the second option, then," you say, thinking that for you, it won't really be again, as such.

"Really?" he asks, sounding a little taken aback.

"Well, yeah. I've been thinking a lot. About stuff."

"About stuff, eh?"

"Look, are you going to kiss me or what?" you say, trying and failing not to sound too impatient.

"All right, fine."

He hesitates before leaning in and kissing you, softly. Well, that's not exactly what you had in mind. He nearly falls off the sofa when you kiss him back, far more enthusiastically than skilfully.

"Well, that went better than I expected," he says when you pull away for air.

"Yeah," you say, grinning, although you're certain he's not thinking of exactly the same thing as you.

You wonder how Roxy's doing, back in her own body. Somehow, you doubt it's as well as you are.


End file.
